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07 August 2011 @ 08:53 pm
"I just don't know."  
I had been feeling sick for about a week before last Thursday. I had headaches, and stiffness in my neck and my around my body. I tried to ignore it for about a week but eventually I had to go to the doctor. It was a difficult choice to make, because my insurance had ran out the month before and I had no money. But I found a doctor who works on a sliding scale, and I was able to see SOMEONE at a price that didn't bankrupt me. That's how all of this got started. Turns out, my blood pressure was dangerously high, which really scared me. I don't know what caused my blood pressure to raise that high, because the last time I had gone to the doctor (about 2 weeks before) he said that it was only slightly higher than normal.

So the doctor put me on some meds (which also weren't too expensive, thankfully) and told me to come back in two weeks. Well I've been on the meds for three days and while it does seem to be helping with my blood pressure, I'm already starting to see some side effects. For one thing, I'm really REALLY tired. No matter how much I sleep, I still feel sluggish. It's getting to the point where it is bothersome. Also, I think the meds are upsetting my stomach. And I'm also occasionally getting cold feet and hands. I also went out in the sun today for a minute and got a really bad headache. All these are possible side-effects of the drugs (a combination of atenolol and chlorathalidone if that means anything to anyone). Plus every time I go to the doctor, It costs me money (25$ now that I'm unemployed, which will go up depending on my income)

I just feel so terrified right now. I'm terrified about the future. I still don't have a job and I'm not sure if I can keep paying for medical attention or meds. I'm afraid of what these meds might be doing to my body, or what kind of damage I might have already done. Not to mention my other problems I still have about no job and no car. I have so many things to worry about, that the idea of maybe being better off dead still crosses my mind. But despite all of these reasons I have to fear staying alive, I'm still afraid of dying. For all the times I thought about killing myself, it's much more frightening when I might not have a choice. I was so afraid of dying after I went to the doctor and heard how high my blood pressure was, I had to fight the urge to have a break down (stress is bad for high blood pressure), and I still am fighting that urge (though not doing as good a job as I would like). I even wrote a will of sorts. Basically a note on my computer that I'd like all my anime dvds and manga to go to Psypsi because I know he will not only have use for them, but will be able to give them to others who will too. It's not complete yet, I still need to type up my final message I'd like to be posted here and on my other websites in case I did die, and I still don't know who gets my NES or SNES and games. But that's just how afraid I was that day. The note's still on my computer now, even though I'm slightly less afraid now. All I could think about that day was my little brother, my little sister, my friends, all the people I have gotten to know online. How would they handle it if I died? How would their lives be different if I wasn't around? It's more terrifying than anything else I've mentioned. And the strange thing is, I don't know if it's the medicine aggravating these feelings or not.

I really don't want to die, not yet. But things are so scary right now I don't know what to do. This is a life-long change, maybe for the worse. I know that weight loss helps with lowering blood pressure, and I've gained more weight than I'm comfortable with anyway. But the medicine is making me so drowsy and it limits my tolerance for exercise. It's possible I may have to be on these medications my whole life, with all the bad side-effects. It's also possible I won't be able to eat the kinds of foods I like or grew up with, ever again. This is all just so much to take in at once. I need to talk to the doctor about the drowsiness, and see if I can perhaps be put on a different medicine, one that wont make me as drowsy and allows exercise. But this doctor doesn't really seem all that concerned with me, and that's also a problem. But better medical costs money, of which I have none. And there's still the fact that I'm not sure if I have done any damage to my body which might still kill me. I've been sleeping with my door open just in case I need to be rushed to the hospital or something. So much to worry about, I'm not sure if I can take all this. Before, when I thought my life was crashing down around me, I took for granted that was still in relatively good health. Now I don't even have that. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and scared. I just... I wish there was someone here to tell me everything was going to be ok...
Lilith: wo uld  yo u  wait  for  me forevecelestial_m00n on August 8th, 2011 04:28 am (UTC)
Oh dear I'm so sorry to hear that. IK that have high blood pressure is very horrible since one of my friend have it, too. But he said that it's not that scared, all the thing you need to do is do everything regularity, have a suitable diet. If you're too tired because of meds side effects, you still can walk arround in the morning.

Hey, I know that sometimes it really gets too hard to keep living, that you feel so terrible you want to die. But don't. I watched many manga/anime series that praising life. And through my personal experiences, I've tried to suicide 2-3 times before, yeah, seriously. But I ended up stop halfway. Now I thought of it and I thought: "How stupid of me, trying to suicide". You know, when you have an dangerous illness, that you may die of it, you will know how much you want to live.

I'm sorry to hear that. Where's your relatives? You can always ask for help from them, I guess? After recover, then you can try to find a job. I know it's not so easy as I say, but you must try. You can't give up yet! I know it when you're there for me that you're a strong person. Everything will be okay if you don't give it up your life. I mean, think for yourself, if you die here, everyone you want to protect and those want to protect you, they're all break down! Don't do such a thing to your friends and your relatives, seriously.

Oh sorry for the rants ;A; I hope you'll recover soon and can find a suitable job. Come on, try hard!
oklafanoklafan on August 8th, 2011 04:40 am (UTC)
My sister is a nurse. I will ask her about the meds, what typical side effects are and whether the symptoms you mention are normal. When I find out something, I'll let you know.
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!animedude on August 8th, 2011 04:44 am (UTC)
General KlaustreFawkepsipsy on August 8th, 2011 08:02 am (UTC)
It's a wake-up call.
I suspect I won't be collecting your anime any time soon. You'll be alright.
Experiencing Technical Difficulties: Maxresonant on August 8th, 2011 12:29 pm (UTC)
Do not put off going to the doctor just because of cash. What's the best way for me to get money to you? Maybe you can give me the address/phone number of your doctor, and I can give him my credit card number?
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!animedude on August 8th, 2011 03:46 pm (UTC)
I'll let you know if I need it. You're too nice.
Experiencing Technical Difficultiesresonant on August 8th, 2011 10:51 pm (UTC)
No dying until after we go to Japan together!
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!animedude on August 8th, 2011 11:17 pm (UTC)
Yeah, I still wanna do that.
lunnera: Oooh! I'm pleasant.lunnera on August 9th, 2011 02:03 am (UTC)
If you guys go to a maid cafe (& you'd better), I WANT PICTURES OF CUTE MAIDS.
Experiencing Technical Difficultiesresonant on August 9th, 2011 02:08 am (UTC)
I promise to dress him up in a maid outfit and send you photos!

Or at least try.
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!animedude on August 9th, 2011 05:42 am (UTC)
That's not what either of us wants!
Patamon: Homura - Um...how should I say this?patamon on August 8th, 2011 06:11 pm (UTC)
If you're saying "break down" to mean "cry", then I'd say it's probably better to let it out. Bottling it up isn't going to help with your stress levels either, and it might help to let it out. I know I feel relieved after a good cry, even if the actual problem is still there. There's no shame in crying, and no one even has to know unless you want them to.

I can't tell you everything will be okay, but I really hope everything will be okay. Prescription meds suck because they have so many side effects, but sometimes it can't really be helped. I used to take a medicine that made me feel completely exhausted all the time, so my doctor finally put me on a prescription stimulant (Provigil) to help me function. I don't know how much it costs without insurance, but maybe your doctor could give you a prescription to see if that helps at all.
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!animedude on August 8th, 2011 06:51 pm (UTC)
I'm feeling better now. The doctor put me on a different medication to see if the side-effects lessen. We'll see how I do on the new meds.
lunnera: huggle attack by melunnera on August 9th, 2011 02:02 am (UTC)
So many ways I want to respond to this. First I was scared for you, then I was mad at you, then I almost cried, then I was scared for you again.

I (and everybody who knows you, man) love you and honestly I have no idea what I would do if you were gone. (I wanna beat you up so hard for all the times you were all "oh it would be better if I wasn't here" or whatever. *shakes fist*)

Whenever I have a problem you're one of the first people I think of running to with it, because I know you'll always be there to listen to me whine or rant or whatever no matter if you even know or care what I'm going on about. I treasure your friendship and knowing that you'd be there to listen to me whenever is a source of comfort to me.

You'll probably think this is a dumb idea, but most rec centers or health clubs that have a pool also have Aqua Aerobics. These classes are usually at least 90% old grandmas, with the occasional dude of varying ages or a young person. Lemme tell ya what: aqua aerobics does not seem like exercise to me. Maybe it's because I like to swim or whatever, mostly I HATE doing friggin situps (feh, situps, more like physical torture), but the classes are usually about an hour long and if you do get sweaty, you're already in a pool and all you have to do is dunk yourself and you're cool again. It is seriously awesome, you should check it out.

Everything will be okay.
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!: Lucky Star Maidsanimedude on August 18th, 2011 09:08 am (UTC)
I never deserved to have you as a friend. :D