I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010! (animedude) wrote,
I'm a super fightin' robot from the year 2010!

"I just don't know."

I had been feeling sick for about a week before last Thursday. I had headaches, and stiffness in my neck and my around my body. I tried to ignore it for about a week but eventually I had to go to the doctor. It was a difficult choice to make, because my insurance had ran out the month before and I had no money. But I found a doctor who works on a sliding scale, and I was able to see SOMEONE at a price that didn't bankrupt me. That's how all of this got started. Turns out, my blood pressure was dangerously high, which really scared me. I don't know what caused my blood pressure to raise that high, because the last time I had gone to the doctor (about 2 weeks before) he said that it was only slightly higher than normal.

So the doctor put me on some meds (which also weren't too expensive, thankfully) and told me to come back in two weeks. Well I've been on the meds for three days and while it does seem to be helping with my blood pressure, I'm already starting to see some side effects. For one thing, I'm really REALLY tired. No matter how much I sleep, I still feel sluggish. It's getting to the point where it is bothersome. Also, I think the meds are upsetting my stomach. And I'm also occasionally getting cold feet and hands. I also went out in the sun today for a minute and got a really bad headache. All these are possible side-effects of the drugs (a combination of atenolol and chlorathalidone if that means anything to anyone). Plus every time I go to the doctor, It costs me money (25$ now that I'm unemployed, which will go up depending on my income)

I just feel so terrified right now. I'm terrified about the future. I still don't have a job and I'm not sure if I can keep paying for medical attention or meds. I'm afraid of what these meds might be doing to my body, or what kind of damage I might have already done. Not to mention my other problems I still have about no job and no car. I have so many things to worry about, that the idea of maybe being better off dead still crosses my mind. But despite all of these reasons I have to fear staying alive, I'm still afraid of dying. For all the times I thought about killing myself, it's much more frightening when I might not have a choice. I was so afraid of dying after I went to the doctor and heard how high my blood pressure was, I had to fight the urge to have a break down (stress is bad for high blood pressure), and I still am fighting that urge (though not doing as good a job as I would like). I even wrote a will of sorts. Basically a note on my computer that I'd like all my anime dvds and manga to go to Psypsi because I know he will not only have use for them, but will be able to give them to others who will too. It's not complete yet, I still need to type up my final message I'd like to be posted here and on my other websites in case I did die, and I still don't know who gets my NES or SNES and games. But that's just how afraid I was that day. The note's still on my computer now, even though I'm slightly less afraid now. All I could think about that day was my little brother, my little sister, my friends, all the people I have gotten to know online. How would they handle it if I died? How would their lives be different if I wasn't around? It's more terrifying than anything else I've mentioned. And the strange thing is, I don't know if it's the medicine aggravating these feelings or not.

I really don't want to die, not yet. But things are so scary right now I don't know what to do. This is a life-long change, maybe for the worse. I know that weight loss helps with lowering blood pressure, and I've gained more weight than I'm comfortable with anyway. But the medicine is making me so drowsy and it limits my tolerance for exercise. It's possible I may have to be on these medications my whole life, with all the bad side-effects. It's also possible I won't be able to eat the kinds of foods I like or grew up with, ever again. This is all just so much to take in at once. I need to talk to the doctor about the drowsiness, and see if I can perhaps be put on a different medicine, one that wont make me as drowsy and allows exercise. But this doctor doesn't really seem all that concerned with me, and that's also a problem. But better medical costs money, of which I have none. And there's still the fact that I'm not sure if I have done any damage to my body which might still kill me. I've been sleeping with my door open just in case I need to be rushed to the hospital or something. So much to worry about, I'm not sure if I can take all this. Before, when I thought my life was crashing down around me, I took for granted that was still in relatively good health. Now I don't even have that. I just... I don't know what to do. I feel so lost and scared. I just... I wish there was someone here to tell me everything was going to be ok...
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